Breaking News: an Autozombiography

Good day to you my fellow whipper-snapper-blog-tastic-upstart types... Mr. Nova here, coming to you via the alter ego of Lord Felpbey Cressingheart III...(please employ your very best upper-crust English accents forthwith)... 


It was not so very long ago that my good friend and fellow pigeon fancier, Jonny T. asked me to read and review a new collection of words going by the title of Breaking News: an Autozombiography. What seemed at first to be a most arduous and foreboding challenge, instead was one that brought boundless entertainment and great amusement. So it is therefore with the utmost pleasure, that I report back here with my findings.


Picture, if you will, the scene... It was a crisp Sunday morning  and one was out on the croquet lawn enjoying the swift thwack of ash on oak (and a bit of crumpet) when, all of a sudden, one’s gardener had the temerity to disgorge a vast amount of black bile from his talking box all over the 5th hoop. Much reviled by this scene of vulgarity, I berated the man in the sternest of manners, but to no avail... the damn fool simply stood there, struck dumb with a somewhat confused expression on his withered face. Entirely perturbed by this turn of events, I retired to the library in search of some solace. Reclining into my favorite chesterfield, I cracked open a sherry and thought this the perfect time to embark upon my latest reading adventure.


Imagine my surprise upon finding that it is under these exact circumstances (minus the croquet, crumpet and gardener) that we enter the engrossing world of N. J. Hallard’s Breaking News. For it is with a neighbour behaving in much the same manner as my horticulturist, that Mr. Hallard has his first close encounter of the Zombie kind. Excited and with much intrigue, I read on.


Within the tome’s fresh and silky pages, we follow the exploits of NJ, his wife Lou and fellow laggard Al, as they battle across the increasingly zombie infested county of West Sussex. Finding themselves immersed in a world where all around them is rapidly decaying, they devise ever more ingenious methods of surviving the ensuing zombiepocalypse. And zombiepocalypse is no overstatement, for there is enough undead flesh in this action packed escapade to sate even the most ravenous of zombie connoisseurs.


Respectfully doffing it’s cap to several classic zombie movies along the way, Breaking News is full to its blood encrusted brim with comedy and gore in equal measure. The reader is treated to several inventive death scenes, including one in which a foul beast is dispatched with that most deadly of weapons, an umbrella! But halt...  let me not further divulge the delights to be found within these covers, for that is a pleasure that should be left to the eager minds and hungry eyes of those that are wise enough to explore further.


And so, in conclusion friends, let me say this; hamble-thwack-norton! Yes... for that is what those of us in the know shout when we happen upon something that stirs the soul and stimulates the senses... Join with me my compadres as I raise my sherry, tug my forelock, roll up my trouser and thank Mr. Hallard, most thoroughly, for bringing us a work of such visceral excitement and delectation.


I wholeheartedly suggest that you visit Mr. Hallard at his t’interweb domicile, whereupon I urge you to make purchase of said work. For those among you who prefer their books with batteries, a down-loadable version is available here.


“And what of the gardener?” I hear you enquire... ah yes, poor fellow... taking my lead from the marvelous Mr. Hallard, I lopped his head clean off with a swift blow from my croquet mallet... death to the stinkers eh N.J. old boy... death to the stinkers!


Until we meat again dear friends, I remain your ever humble servant... Lord Felpbey.

Universal squadrons-Win the DVD!

Action thriller UNIVERSAL SQUADRONS comes to DVD on 28 March and we have 3 copies to give away!

After returning to civilian life as a Texas rancher, Captain Lance Deakin fends off attacks from former members of his unit as he struggles to uncover the truth of what he did as a soldier in Iraq. The military performed experiments on Lance and his men to turn them into super-soldiers and brainwashed them to remember their top secret missions as the hyper-violent content of a video game. Lance must uncover the truth in time to save the woman he loves.

To win just answer this simple question: In which war has Captain Lance Deakin been fight?

1. Iraq
2. Vietnam
3. The Second World War

Starring Christian Kane (Just Married, Angel), Barry Corbin (No Country for Old Men) and Riley Smith (24), Universal Squadrons comes to DVD 28 March 2011.

Email at jonnyscultfilms@gmail.com Contest will end on April 1st,
Good luck!
Jonny T.

Movies i have seen this year Part 2-Jonny T.

Hello all!
This is the 2nd part of my"Movies i have seen this year"
Keeping you up to date with all things good and bad in the world of my film watching exploits,
enjoy,
Jonny T.

The Golden Child

Well it was cheap and i thought it would be as good as when i first saw it in a good old nostalgic way but it sucked!Was bored throughout(as was Emma)not funny and terrible Fx!!I know you'll moan it me for it but- 5/10

The Eye

Great "J"Horror,up there as one of the best and its easy to see why,part of a trilogy from the wonderful Pang brothers,parts 2 and 3 coming soon to this blog,go watch now,forget the remake!!! 7/10

Slice

So,We've all seen Thai horror and serial killer flicks from Asia but i have to say this one blows them ALL away,with shocking violence,a good budget and some twists you will NOT believe,one of my films of the year so far 8/10.

No country for old men.

Not for me personally one of the Cohen brothers best but certainly better than a lot of Hollywood trash,Great performances and the usual dose of humour and violence we have come to expect from the brother Cohen 7/10

Terminator.

Oh yes the Arnie classic was re-watched by me and Emma and it still stands up as an absolute classic,Brilliant lines,slight dodgy stop motion and violence,8/10



Cape Fear.

Another absolute classic in my eyes,Robert Mitchum at his finest,well as great as he is in another fave of mine"Night of the hunter"if you haven't seen this you MUST!!!9/10

I Spit on your grave (2010)

Oh i only saw the original once and could never go back and re-watch but was intrigued to see the remake,Good revenge flick,OK its nasty but worth sticking with for the gore soaked revenge,not much re watch value though so for me it's a 7/10

Hansel & Gretal

Yet another great Asian film,fantasy based,twists and turns bursting with fantastic colours and great cinematography,a definite must see! 8/10

Catfish

oo arr fo par documentary about loonies on facebook,i love a good documentary and this is a good one,Internet rife with is it/isn't real blah blah,me,Emma,Mr Nova and Bob had a big debate and we think it is but re-shoots on certain parts to make it shiny and more coherent we think,but what do we know???Give it a watch,it will surprise you 7/10

Paranormal activity 2.

Now then,i hated the 1st film,it was a rainy Saturday afternoon and i managed to drag Emma to see it and it was great,fucking great!Packed cinema,loud and jumpy, a great film that as a sequel was great,so turn your lights off crank up the volume and enjoy,a highlight of of my recent watch's 8/10

Jonny's bonus video, death by spoon!!!

I recently had a new apprentice start with me at work,mikey, he's a cool little dude and into his films, thank god,he pointed this one out to me on you tube and its hilarious, OK it goes on a bit but it's supposed to, stick with it till the end,great stuff,thanks young Mikey!!!

So there you have it, That's part 2, I have watched a load more so watch this space for part 3!

Thanks for taking the time to view,

I'm done,

Jonny T.

The Quiet Earth (1985)-Review by Gavin Jennings

Hello People,
Another great review from the man Gavin Jnnings,The quiet earth,which i must admit i have not seen myself,but looks pretty good!
So thanks again Big Man Gav!
Jonny T.

The Quiet Earth (1985)

Hi guys, I am currently in the midst of a stomach bug that has kept me off work for a few days. In between frequent trips to the bathroom and the excitement of daytime television I have the opportunity to present you with my latest offering earlier than expected. I hope you enjoy this brief look at one of ‘Down Unders’ lesser known post-apocalyptic movies.

Imagine you wake up one morning and you are totally alone. Your neighbours are suspiciously quiet for a change, and there are no dogs barking or birds singing in the trees. Pans are left boiling on stoves and cars are left abandoned in the streets all over the town. Mysteriously, empty planes have dropped from the sky and the inferno that surrounds the wreckage burns uncontrollably in the absence of fire crews. Nobody answers your calls for help and the Police are nowhere to be found. It’s as if all life on Earth has vanished in an instant. What would you do? Zac Hobson, a self-centred scientist working on an experiment for global energy, finds himself in this predicament in this rarely seen sc-fi classic from New Zealand. Made on a shoe string budget in the mid 1980’s the film is immediately recognisable to the far more recent hits 28 days later and I am legend. The similarities end there though as The Quiet Earth isn’t as quick to introduce monsters or fast moving zombies as its protagonists. Instead the film concentrates on mankind’s frailty and the damage that we are causing by meddling with science.

Zac is quick to realise that the company he works for is responsible for the disaster and driven by guilt and loneliness soon descends into temporary madness. Wearing a dress and armed with a shotgun he surrounds himself with cardboard cut outs of famous historical figures and appoints himself as leader of the new world. On the verge of suicide he cleans up his act and comes across a lonely young woman by chance. Immediately he is attracted to Joanne and welcomes the companionship and brief romance that follows. Zac’s new found happiness is short lived however with the arrival of Api, a third survivor. He is younger, stronger, and better looking than Zac who is immediately suspicious and threatened by Api’s presence. Zac’s fears are realised when Joanne is drawn to the stranger and a love triangle develops.

The film adopts a slightly different tone in the second half which isn’t quite as enjoyable as watching Zac act out his darker inhibitions. As he delves deeper into his research Zac discovers that the initial event was actually the start of a chain reaction giving way to some cheap but truly psychedelic sequences that really stretched the $1 million dollar budget. The strain builds on the trio as the fabric of the Universe continues to unravel. Knowing that he has to share his dark secret with the others Zac discovers an opportunity to ultimately redeem himself for his involvement in ‘Project Flashlight’ and sets a plan in motion that leads to an explosive if somewhat confusing climax.

The ending is something of a wonder to most people who watch the movie. I have read a stream of reviews from fans of the movie on imdb and whilst most people have their own opinion of what the film means most agree that the Quiet Earth is fantastic. It has a very respectable 7.1 out of 10 rating which is quite an achievement for a director whose other credits include Free Jack, Under Siege 2, Fortress 2 and Young Guns 2 - Blaze of Glory! A lot of the Quiet Earth’s success is down to the superb script which manages to excite and entertain with a minimal cast and without an ounce of cheese or schlock that Hollywood likes so much. It was co-written by Bruce Lawrence, who plays Zac so brilliantly throughout the film. It’s a shame that he didn’t get a chance to write much else, after being diagnosed with lung cancer he passed away in 1995. Credit is also due to producer and co-writer Sam Pillsbury. As a testament to The Quiet Earth’s positivity an aspiring film-maker friend of mine was motivated to write an entirely new script after just one viewing of the movie. He sent his work to Sam Pillsbury, who had expressed an interest in making a new Quiet Earth project. In return he received some very positive feedback directly from Sam but weather anything comes from it remains to be seen. In the mean time I urge you to track down a copy of The Quiet Earth and experience it for yourself. Whatever you do avoid watching the trailer on the internet as it completely destroys any reason to watch the film in the first place... I’ve already done that for you here!
Gavin Jennings.



Cantonen Iron Kung Fu (1979)-Review By Robert R Best.

Hello Folks!
I'd like to welcome to the blog the great writer Robert R Best,Author of the Zombie classics "Ashton Memorial"and "Lakewood Memorial"if you not yet checked these out please head over to http://www.robertrbest.com/ and check his site out.
Now Robert and i were chatting on the gold old Twitter and he was looking to do some reviews for classic kung fu films and i do love a good old cheesy kung fu flick,so what will follow is some classics of the genre reviewed by Robert for your viewing pleasure,The first film to be reviewed is "Cantonen Iron Kung Fu"
Take it away Mr Best!

Cantonen Iron Kung Fu (1979)

Leung Kar-Yan plays Iron Bridge Kun, who is not yet called Iron Bridge Kun, but I’ve forgotten what he’s called early on in the movie. Let’s just call him Kun. Kun lives and works in the small village with all of his friends, who all work various jobs and like to have kung-fu contests with each other. At one point they also go and challenge two people who live at a temple. You’d think something would come of this. It does not.

Turns out there’s a bad guy in town who stresses how he can’t show his face. Not even to the camera. He doesn’t say that, but the camera respects his wishes and does not film his face. He would like to expand his power in the village. His minions laugh and agree. The head minion says he has a plan. He also says some guy named Jin (I think) is rumoured to be in town. This upsets big bad guy very much. He frets about it. But back to the plan the minions have to increase the bad guy’s power.

This plan consists of setting up a stage somewhere and challenging everyone in town to a fight. People come up one at a time and are killed. I’m not sure why the townsfolk don’t just mob the stage all at once. But oh well. The minions also hope their plan will bring Jin out of hiding. It doesn’t. At least not at first.

Anyway, remember Kun? One of his friends goes and challenges the minions and is killed. Kun is very upset and vows revenge. He goes and is almost killed himself but is rescued by a business owner named Mr. Lin. Mr. Lin knows kung fu. Kun begs Mr. Lin to teach him and Mr. Lin eventually agrees.

While this is going on, the minions continue their stage plan/quest to find Jin. Many of Kun’s friends are killed and Kun gets more and more upset. The head minion kills Mr. Lin and Kun goes after him.

Jin finally reveals himself and helps Kun fight the head minion. Kun wins the fight and is dubbed “Iron Bridge Kun” by the town for his exploits. Jin explains he’s some sort of cop or something and he’s in town looking for the big bad guy. The camera, apparently emboldened by all of this, finally films the big bad guy. We’ve never seen him before so no big twist there. Anyway, Kun and Jin eventually have a big show down with big bad guy in a nice long final fight.

Which brings me to the fighting. I’ve spent several paragraphs now being snarky about the plot, because it is a little convoluted and confusing. But the fights are really pretty good. Especially the one at the end. They’re well choreographed and well filmed, with lots of good ideas in them. Like when Kun punches a guy and breaks both his neck and the tree behind him. Stuff like that. It’s cool, and the fights make the plot worth it. Especially if you can handle convoluted plots.

A few words on the edition I saw. It was called “Iron Kung Fu” on the case and came as a double feature with “Tiger Over Wall.” The picture was just so-so and there were some weird sound issues. The volume would go up and down and at some points the music was louder than the dialogue. And it had one of those classic 70s/80s dubs with all the cheese-ball voices you’ve heard a million times on a million English dubs. It was packaged in a slim case and cost exactly one dollar. It was certainly worth fifty cents.

So overall I guess I recommend it. I would certainly be interested in seeing a better edition of the movie. I enjoyed it. The plot was fun to chuckle at and the action was honestly good.

Robert R Best.

A Witch's hat Tribute To Jonnys Cult Films!

Hello people,
I have been fortunate to recieve this great video tribute to me and of course all of you involved at Jonny's cult films from the Great RootRot From the witch's hat blog.
What a nice man,what a great blog,Pretty much a new post everyday with help from Misfitboy,Biguglyhairyscary and many others,Also Check out his Podcast and Vidcast and everything on there,
Mr RootRoot i thank you Doodle Buddy.
Jonny t.
Link to the Witch's hat Blog-
Click Here to view and follow the Blog-------> http://thewitchshatblog.com/

STOP PRESS!!!!

The Witches hat blog has been nominated for an award over at TLAcult site along with other great blogs such as motion picture massacre and Mcbastards mausoleum ,so please go vote!
You do have more than one vote so,get clicking here to vote--------> TLA CULT VIDEO AWARDS

A Witch's hat Tribute To Jonnys Cult Films!

Werewolves-The Genre Defined!

Hello folks,
I would like to thank my friend at Angry puppy films on this great take on all things within the werewolf genre,Be sure to check out his great site Angry puppy films. and follow him on Twitter for great updates!!
Thanks my friend,
Enjoy,
Jonny T!

Werewolves

I love a good werewolf movie. The problem is, I like a bad werewolf movie too. Keep that in mind as you read this and judge accordingly. My first screenplay was a modern werewolf story. Hopefully, someday I will get a chance to make the film. I wanted to take a moment and go over the genre a bit and Jonny was kind enough to provide a forum.

Firstly, who am I? I’m an American independent film-maker, writer, producer and a lifelong horror fan. What makes me the guy to ask about this? I love horror. I write horror. I’m one of you. You know the crazy guys in Hyde Park wearing sombreros and shouting their opinions to all within earshot? I’m in Texas and shouting in the UK.

Let’s start off with defining what good werewolf movies have in common.

Great settings.

The shadowy moors of An American Werewolf in London (1981) sets a creepy mood that forms a perfect contrast as our two heroes run in the dark to their deaths. Even the pub The Slaughtered Lamb adds to the establishment of a feeling of impending doom. The original Wolf Man (1941) accomplished the same thing on a sound stage with brilliant use of lighting and shadows. Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001) managed to capitalize on historical events and make even a sunny country-side scene exceptionally scary. A creepy setting can make anything scary for a moment but only for that moment.

Transformations

Watching our hero change from man to beast can be brilliant as it was in the earlier An American Werewolf in London and to a lesser degree in the more recent Wolfman (2010). The transformation needs to be believable and not pull the viewer out of the suspended reality of a movie. Watching Benicio del Torro’s fingers snap in Wolfman elicited groans from audiences as they were pulled into the scene. However, in The Howling (1981) the transformation scene in the theater is classic because of what isn’t seen as much as what is seen.

Attacks

Let’s just admit it, we love gore. A good attack can scare you witless or leave you wondering where the good movie is playing. Dog Soldiers (2002) had great attacks throughout. A sudden lunge from the shadows and our heroes are wolf chow. The attacks can be brutally violent as in Wolfman or subtly implied as in the Howling.

Comedy is not necessary

When good ideas go wrong. The Howling 2: Your Sister is a Werewolf suffers from lack of commitment to horror. Comedy can help as it did in an American Werewolf in London or completely ruin a movie as it did the Howling 2:Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985). Don’t get me wrong, Sybil Danning naked could redeem almost any movie, but this one suffered to the point that even she couldn’t pull this thing out of the clearance bin.

Nudity

Since I mentioned it, let’s talk about nudity for a moment. I am a heterosexual male. I like naked women. They get my attention every time. The film-maker in me says that the nudity has to be relevant to the plot, but honestly, sometimes that isn’t necessary. Monica Belucci’s nude scenes in Brotherhood of the Wolf weren’t necessary but they were greatly appreciated. Who can forget Elisabeth Brooks in the original Howling standing naked and wild? David Naughton waking up naked in the zoo caused many appreciative stares in An American Werewolf in London. Sex and horror have gone hand in hand forever and probably will continue so folks need to get used to it and move along.

CGI

 

I don’t hate CGI. I prefer special effects to be done in camera, but in the real world of film making sometimes that doesn’t work. Cost and risks can make it necessary to use a computer instead of risking cast and certain death. It is here to stay, so we all need to get over our dislike and accept the fact.

There’s more but Jonny wanted some content and not a book. Want to make a great werewolf movie? Watch the ones I mention above. Get a character that people can relate to and have them cursed. Then unleash them on their loved ones and general population. Do not have them turn into hairy funny versions of themselves.



Werewolves are about the beast within each of us finding a way to get out into the world. Though we don’t like to admit it, each of us has the propensity to give into our wild side. Freud called it the id, but for here, it is our inner wolf. Werewolf movies can be great horror or train wrecks.

Great Werewolf films

Wolf Man (1941)

An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001)

Dog Soldiers (2002)

Underworld (2003)

Skinwalkers (2006)

Wolfman (2010)

Bad Werewolf films

Really? Did you expect me to slam someone’s favorite film? Someone put their heart and soul into making that film, so cut them some slack. Yeah, I know I was kind of harsh on the Howling 2, but really, fur on Sybil’s naked chest? Yes, I am holding a grudge against one scene. Christopher Lee was brilliant as usual. Ok, I admit I bought the DVD as well.


Follow me on twitter or just sound off with your opinion. I know that I have missed some here so let me know what I missed. I am @angrypuppyfilms and I thank you for your time and Jonny for loaning me the soapbox.

Classic transformation scene from"An American werewolf in London"

Emmas Miike Marathon

 As some of you lovely people may already know, 2011 is the year of my 'Miike Marathon'. My challenge is to watch as many of, contraversial Japanese director, Takashi Miikes films as possible. For some reason, Jonny thinks you might like to hear how I'm getting on (to give him a rest from it all, i imagine) so, its been decided that, once a week(ish) I'll be doing a little review, to keep you up to date.

If I'm honest, I'm not actually sure how I've ended up with this challenge, it seemed like a good idea at the time and, well, once you've mentioned it to a couple of people, you cant go back!  I'd already seen what you would think of as some of his more mainstream films, Ichi, Audition, Three Extremes etc but I think it was The Happiness of the Katakuris that really sold Miike to me. A musical with zombies, what more could anyone want from a film?!

 While sorting out the Monster/Film Room i found a pile of DVDs I'd brought cheap from a rental place that was closing down. This must have been at least 2 years ago, and I've still not watched them. In that pile there was quite a lot of Miikes stuff that I haven't seen, Dead or Alive, Shinjuku thing thing, Agitator and more. So, combine that with a tiny (but completely healthy) obsession with anything Japanese and the Miike Marathon was born.

This year, Mikkes 83rd title, as director, will be released (hence the Marathon part of the challenge!) If you want to see a list of what i'll be attempting to watch click HERE.. Dito if you want anymore info on the man himself.

There probably should have a plan of attack for this, but as this is me were talking about, there isn't. I've just sort of fallen into this, so i didn't start watching his films in any order. I'm also struggling to find quite a bit of his early stuff, so its not going to be a chronological look at his work. To group it into genre would be a pain in the arse, mainly because i don't want to end up watching a load of yakuza films in a row. So, for that reason, we're winging it!  

I'm, by no stretch of the imagination, a film buff or writer so you'll have to bear with me and excuse the waffle and excessive use of exclamation marks!!!! This is gonna be a massive learning curve for me, so if you want to throw some advice or (constructive)criticism my way, feel free.

Some of you may also be happy to hear that due to my overenthusiastic buying of DVDs and lack of organisation, I've doubled up on a couple so you do get a competition too.
A bribe so you come back for more?

Maybe!

The first of his films I'm going to be reviewing is Blues Harp, a yukuza film from 1998. Its not one of his more shocking or violent films, but i loved the characters and story, it has lots of his usual themes running through it. Also, the use of music in the intro is bloody fantastic. Anyway, the trailer is below.

 Hope to see you next week.